Moving Backwards ... and forward

5 months ago i did wrote an entry about me moving out to my new office (room) but i never posted it. and no despite all my rantings pasal keje i did not (at least not yet) move out as in tukar kerja.i am still with the same employer, work with the same company i've worked for the past 7 years. it is just that on the day i celebrated my 30th birthday last year i had moved out from my old office at top floor which i shared with my no.1 boss and his secretary. kiranya aku ni menumpang kat situ. pertama sebab pada masa tu takde bilik kosong dan kedua aku masih lagi dalam transition period; men'transfer' my knowledge kepada my boss's new secretary when i was promoted to my current position. the transition period somehow took longer (more than 1 year) bukan sebab secretary baru tak bagus, she's good at times i even feel that she's doing better than i was. but deep down aku realised it was my boss yang keberatan nak lepaskan aku pergi... the fact that i was his longest serving (read surviving secretary).

ok let's get back on track. so about 5 months ago i moved out from my boss's office in to this shoebox sized room (okay i exaggerate) which was painted blue all over by the previous occupant. i still remember how sad and mellow i felt that day, Allah swt sahaja yang tahu. while others in the company probably has shifted place more than 2 times, aku tak pernah been shifted ke mana2. akulah 'penunggu' setia bilik itu. banyak memori pahit kat situ tapi semua aku telan dan aku simpan, pun begitu bila melangkah keluar terasa berat dan sesak jap dada aku. aku sedih, sedih yang tak dapat nak digambarkan. terasa macam orang terbuang... but it wasn't like that sebenarnya. aku ter'over' sensitif i guess.

walaupun sedih, tapi ada sedikit rasa lega sebab after more than a year co-habiting the same office when i'm no longer his secretary somehow aku rasa kurang selesa, seolah2 macam orang ketiga pulak kat situ. kadang2 aku jadi rasa segan pulak terutama bila aku tau banyak benda2 yang confidential tak sepatut aku tau, tapi sebab dah co-habiting the same office nak tak nak sayup2 tertangkap kat telinga aku.

in the early days i moved out ke this blue room on the ground level aku betul2 rasa disoriented kejap. it took me a while juga nak biasakan diri dengan suasana baru. first, i find the lighting dalam bilik ni agak glaring, the glass window was not shielded with blinds - aku boleh nampak semua orang kat luar and they can see me, takde privacy langsung! tau jelah orang perempuan kekadang nak betulkan tudung nak touch up lipstick... seganlah pulak. then came the noises from outside this room - masyaAllah macam pasar! i used to get a feedback the staff kat floor ni kata sejak aku turun pindah ke bawah diaorang asyik kena marah pasal bising. seriously they are so loud! i couldn't concentrate on my work. and the worst of all adalah kerusi dan meja kerja aku ni height dia tak compatible. kiranya bila aku nak guna keyboard my hands tak rested well atas meja menyebabkan pergelangan tangan, bahu kanan dah belakang badan aku sakit. dah dekat 2 bulan lebih aku menderita sakit bahu & belakang.

tapi lama kelamaan aku dah terbiasa. cahaya lampu tu tak lagi terlalu terang, i don't mind peple peek into my room from outside because there's no blinds/curtain, at the same time i learn to enjoy the wider view and easy for me to monitor movements, and the noise... it doesn't bother me anymore in fact kalau senyap sunyi aku pulak yang jadi risau. and my back, wrist and shoulder dah kurang sakitnya sebab aku alihkan kedudukan pc & keyboard betul2 ke tengah meja... nampak pelik though tapi for my own good.

until today, bila tiba2 aku dapat arahan berpindah semula ke bilik lama which is my boss's office. kalau dulu aku berat hati nak tinggalkan all the priviligese that comes with cohabiting office no.1... hari ni aku keberatan nak masuk semula. because i feel that the relocation was for all the wrong reasons. malas nak cakap pasal ni tapi kali ni rasa hurt tu lain daripada perasaan mula2 kena pindah keluar. this time it is hurt like really hurting me, my pride and my feelings. rasa macam bola pun ada. kesimpulan yang aku buat ialah he's not ready to let me go, not ready to give me independence, not ready to respect me the way anybody in my position should be respected. then why? why in the first place did you give me this opportunity??? rasa macam bola.

on the other hand, fahmi will start at his new school tomorrow. i've visited the school today, spent about an hour to look around but not thoroughly, observe their teachings. this one looks like a real school, like the one i went to masa zaman tabika kemas ku dulu. looks more convincing and they've been around like more than 10years since taman perumahan ni mula dibuka dulu. i sincerely hope that the school is good.