Now or later?

I came back from my mil's appointment with the oncologist feeling a little bit confused when it comes to what a cancer patient should eat or not eat. From my online reads and visiting cancer survivors blog I learned that ada beberapa jenis makanan yang cancer strickens should avoid or stop eating at all tapi bila saya tanya doctor semalam, dia kata makan apa saja kecuali red meat dan kurangkan minyak serta lemak dalam makanan dan utamakan green veges and fruits. Plus, mesti bersenam. So, I wonder whether I should be strict when it comes to mil's diet or should I just relax take it easy? Sebab I feel that now it looks bad on me sebab saya yang beiya-iya strict sangat jaga makan mil tapi doktor depan mil cakap you can eat all you want. Hmmph... banyak lagi yang saya kena kaji dan belajar.

A month now after the operation, mil is and looks healthy dengan pandangan mata kasar. Sihat like her normal self sehingga saya pun terfikir tak lah teruk sangat after all. She get the occasional bout of fever, sekejap rasa nak demam, sekejap kebah. But she is not bedridden like other cancer strickens, Alhamdulillah. Tapi itu pandangan mata kasar lah, or the worst is yet to come? Owh I really not looking forward to that. Doa moga dia sihat sentiasa dan bahagian dia dipermudahkan. She is my husband's mom and syurga hubby. Her suffering is His suffering and My suffering too. Alhamdulillah, sel-sel cancer itu tidak merebak ke organ-organ lain, her chest is cleared, her liver is cleared, everything else looks normal for a 71 year old.

She has yet to go for chemo and radiotherapy. Initially doctor shahrun kata tak perlu chemo prior to the opt because of her age they don't think she can take it. But after the opt looking at her reports, judging from her physique and biological age which is according to the handsome oncologist, younger than her actual age, he is optimist that chemo is the best option for her followed by radiotherapy. Her cancer is ER- (estrogen receptor negative) type, which according to him tidak bertindak balas kepada ubat anti kanser tetapi bertindak balas dengan baik kepada chemo. Kalau patient yang ER+ they will recommend for anti kanser pills. Despite whatever the doctor says, saya tetap risau. Yelah, chemo tu kan menyakitkan, panas sampai ada orang kata dia feels like a walking oven, hair loss, mual, tak selera makan. Saya tak pasti lah macam mana keadaannya for her. The only consolation ialah ini ujian daripada Allah swt untuk orang-orang yang dia sayang untuk menyuci dosa-dosa yang lalu. Even alim ulama zaman dulu pun menangis kalau tak ditimpa sakit. Muhasabah untuk diri saya juga yang kadang-kadang bila batuk sikit dah rasa macam sakit teruk, saya lupa sakit ini datang dari Allah swt untuk menyucikan dosa-dosa kecil saya.

As for mil, the decision whether to go for chemo now or after raya is still being debated. I have delivered the messages I gathered from the doctor, so now it is up to the adik-beradiks to decide. Kalau suruh saya yang decide, hmm walaupun I dread the consequences of the chemo, sebaik-baiknya ikutlah nasihat doktor. Raya or no raya, now is more important for me. Can one opt against chemo? I would say it is a personal choice. Tapi bukan saya yang kena buat keputusan ini.

On the other hand, entah kenapa saya suka hospital tapi hanya the private ones or the modern government hospitals like HUKM ni. Kalau minta saya temankan overnight dalam wad lagi saya suka. I enjoy going to the hospital, jumpa doctors, i even like the environment. Tapi itu bukanlah bermakna saya suka jadi pesakit! Rasa lain, lari daripada rutin seharian saya. Oh nampak benar my life is so boring one! :-)

And Yaya has said that she likes accompanying me to the hospitals too. For all the odd reason - she likes to get her food from cafetaria at the hospital! Ah yes, she was with me yesterday, mind you if not for her I am all alone sebab hubby kan outstation. Sengaja saya cutikan dia, so that she can help to keep mil in company sementara saya mencari parking dan lain-lain urusan. Parking kat HUKM ni sangatlah terhad. After dropping mil and Yaya kat lobi hospital saya keluar balik dan buat U-turn quite far from the hospital untuk masuk seula park kereta di ruang letak kereta berhampiran stadium DBKL. Bolehlah saya dengan senang hati tinggalkan mil di lobi for a good 15mins sebab cik Yaya sudah di pesan untuk tengokkan nenek.

Sama juga masa nak balik, I had to walk down to the parking lot to get the car sementara cik Yaya di pesan untuk perhatikan kereta mama approaching lepas tu cepat-cepat ajak nenek turun ke kereta di foyer hospital. Tapi apalah sangat yang boleh diharapkan pada a 6 year old kid yang tengah asyik mahsyuk makan corn in cup - her reward for keeping us company for hours waiting for our number to be called (satu-satunya perkara yang saya tak suka about govern hospital, the long and tiring wait). Dia tak perasan pun saya melambai-lambai kat dia dari dalam kereta, she looks dreamy